Revised Thoughts on the Nature of Multiple Zombies

I have considered on multiple occasions the idea of zombies traveling in groups of two or more (but I mean, seriously, who hasn’t?) I feel this to be a necessary consideration because in the event of the zombie apocalypse we will stumble not only over the fallen bodies of soon to be reanimated comrades (which we will of course properly and safely dispose of) , but also the linguistic barriers that we have yet to overcome. Simply put, we must be certain of terms pertaining to the undead in order to coherently communicate in a time of crisis.

So we have the single zombie, and we can even encounter two or three zombies, which we can refer to casually as “a couple” or “a few” but what do we say when we encounter a larger group of zombies, twelve, fifty, 3000, etc? There are also ethical considerations. Is it okay to brand a group of zombies with some sort of animalistic label? By this I mean, would is be unethical to call a group of zombies a flock, or a colony comparable to a flock of sheep or a colony of ants? After all, zombies were at one point human. I am in no way an undead activist, and I doubt that in a time of serious emergency political correctness will hold such an important place in the hearts of humanity. I have considered ethics in regards to this topic, but in the end I have decided that zombies can, without compromising our own ethical integrity, be labeled with “animal” classifications.

Here were some ideas:

Flock: A “flock” to me sounds like something zombies would travel in if they also went to sewing circles on Sundays. Quite frankly, it’s a pussy name, and zombies are not pussies. If they were, we wouldn’t need this sort of extensive preparation.

School: “School of Zombies” This sounds like a terrible B movie starring a well endowed female who is as dumb as Michael Jackson is weird.

Herd: I associate Herd with Hamburger.

See, lets do some simple logic:



Herd = Hamburger (Assumption)
Zombie = Herd (Assumption)
Zombie = Hamburger. (Conclusion)

Surely you see the problem.


Colony: A colony sounds alright to me, it isn’t awesome, but it doesn’t suck.

Gang: Hah. “Lets go eat some mutha fuckin trick ass brains, dawg.” No. Moving on.

Litter: Kittens come in litters. Kittens are cute. Zombies, well, not so much.

I don’t know if other’s think this classification system is necessary, so I’ve come up with a scenario.

John and Jane Doe are happily married with 2.7 children, 1.5 pets, and a 2 car garage. (Follow the numbers kids, seriously) Jane is outside of her home pruning roses (Do you prune roses?) Her husband staring into the distance suddenly sees a large number of zombies approaching, and says:

“Honey, there is a large quantity of zombies coming this way.”

And she says:

“Well how many? I mean, is there four or five, or three hundred?”

Before he can respond, the zombies descend on his body and pull his jugular out of his asshole.

Do you understand the problem now? The situation should have been different. They were not prepared.

We need a quick way of estimating, a way of measuring for heightened communication. We need to figure these things out now. I, however, am American, and asking me to come up with a system of measurement is probably a bad idea. Anyone who uses the metric system, feel free to step in…now.



(By the way, here are some other names for groups of animals.


Troop
Pride
Romp
Pack
Prickle


Suggestions are encouraged and requested.)